Farewell, 2016

A period of emotional turbulence. Crying. Anxiety. Down. Depressed. Unmotivated. Happy. Slightly motivated. Difficult to breathe. Got a additional (yet stressful) job. Insecure. Self-doubt. Hopeful. Pessimistic. Daydreaming. Laid down for a whole day. Loss interest in things I used to love, except watching tv series. Huh.

At the end of the year, I decided to go into therapy. Things were positive for a while, then it got bad again. The walls are crushing me. Leave me alone, I said in my mind. Please leave, all of you. Leave me here on this dark corner.

The therapy is intensified before things got out of hand. I feel numb. At one side, I want to get better. At the other gloomy side, I want to end it all. Driving my car to the hill and jump. Cut my femoral artery. The only thing that holds me back is…clothes I haven’t had ironed yet. Oh, and all my books I haven’t given to someone yet.

People come and go. Some stay. Some come back. Some of them came and offered help. Some stay in the background, watching, and ready to help whenever I ask to. Some doesn’t offer any, but their presence already a help anyway. They distract my mind from thinking, feeling. Some came into my life just to mess it up.

You know you cannot depend on anyone. Never depend on anyone, but I guess it’s okay to place your feelings here and there. Just a little bit. Like making horcruxes. Or not. Choose your friend wisely. Even more so, choose your lover wisely. My fortress are broken down. Instead of building another fortress, I wear an armor. Am I ready to fight? No. At least they won’t kill me easily this time.

2016 is shit, look at the raise of radicalism and fundamentalism. Despite of the shit it brings, 2016 reveals who I really am, and forces me to get to know her and communicate with her. 2016 also brings me new friends, colleagues, activities. They might not help me much, but for now they’re helping me keeping my sanity.

I am rambling, as always. My resolution for 2017 is simple. Get better. Or find the courage to end my life. We’ll see which will win. Now, thank you for all of you who’s been supporting me all this time. Listening to me, giving me advice, didn’t judge me for things I was too afraid to do (and my stupidity). I cannot thank you enough. *hug*

Farewell, 2016. Thank you, despite of all shits you’ve brought this year.


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