I Learn

I learn to recognize the emotional turbulence I have. The sudden anger outburst, sadness, emptiness, and numbness. I have a habit to judge myself, and now I learn to analyze things before I condemn myself. Instead of thinking ‘you hurt me’, these days I will ask to myself, “How do you feel? What do you think of that? How does it hurt you? Why?”

It’s not as easy as it sounds (or as I was typing it). Most of the times I’m just too angry to be able to think clearly and analyze the situation and my emotion. I feel (and I imagine) punching this person or that wall or even hurt myself. Most of the times I feel sad and hurt, like everything is going to crumble down. Then I would ask, “Why?? Why, damn it?! It’s not fair!” But, what is ever fair anyway?

Most of the times I just want to lay down and do nothing. At the same time, I know I should do something. So I would think about doing that something, become tired of thinking about it, and then fall asleep. That something that I should have done is abandoned. I make too many excuses. Tired. Sleepy. Hungry. Top three reasons that always come up.

But I’m learning now. I’m learning to tag the emotion that comes up. I’m learning to analyze it first. Sometimes I’m succeeded, sometimes not. Sometimes I realize it a bit too late. Sometimes I have realized it, but I cannot stop myself from reacting. Sometimes I need a distraction, but distractions can only go so far. Also it’s undependable.

You know what? I want to run. I want to run fast, but this thing holds me back. I cannot even walk. I feel like I’m crawling. It’s confusing because sometimes I want to run, but there are times that I just want to stop. If it’s a book that I’m learning now, I am stuck at chapter 1. I cannot move to the next chapter because I keep failing at the first chapter.

I guess I’ll keep learning, because perhaps I have to.

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