The realization came so sudden (was it?), a few days ago to be exact. I was thrilled to write it down, but I decided to wait for several days just to make sure it was not just a rush thought or decision. It’s been 48 hours and the thought still persist. Now it’s safe to announce it.
I accept the fact that I live in this town and will stay here for several years. A decade or more perhaps.
I accept the fact that it’s going to be difficult for me to meet up with my friends in Java. That I will miss some important events held in Java (for a while at least). I don’t regret (anymore) my decision to work here. I accept that it’s going to be stressful sometimes (or most of the time) to live here.
These past two years, I’ve been struggling with my presence here. Each time I got frustrated with an issue (such as sharia law, the shallow mindset and rude behavior of the people, the regret I feel when I cannot meet some friends a thousand kilometers away, etc.), I would’ve regret my decision to work here, and then it would’ve turned into a depression state. Each time a friend said, “You should get out of there, you don’t belong there,” I would have gone into dark mood and condemned my stupidity at getting a job here.
The acceptance means a lot. It affects a lot on how I will face my life here and how I respond comments such as “You don’t fit to live there, you should move out.” Perhaps it’s true that I don’t fit in this city and its society. Yet, where does I ever fit in anyway?
Oh yes, I (will) still frustrate about people of this town with their shallow and narrow mindset (most of them perhaps). I am (and will) still feel afraid and anxious about my safety (both intellectual and physical). I still have lack of hope of this city’s future. I will still miss movie theater and the serenity of cozy cafe (which I cannot find in this town). Nothing changes about that, actually.
What’s changed, though, my perception of my self-being. What’s done is done. The path have been chosen, and I have to face what’s going to come at me. I’m not gonna assume anything, like I did before, that I could give contribution to this or that during my stay here. Meh. Nope. I come here to work. Add to that learning and managing my depression.
I don’t expect my life would be easier from now on, but perhaps I will be better at dealing some issues and problems then. Wish me luck 🙂