After finding out that I have so many insecurities that I have to fight constantly, now there’s another thing comes up to be recognized. Trust issue. I used to be an easily trusting person. I gave huge belief to person I met. I believed on what people said to me, because I always think “Hey, perhaps it’s true.” Even when people scoff on someone’s opinion or talk, I would still give my trust. I believed in people’s good intention. I was naive.
Recently I realized that I cannot trust people the way I trusted people back then anymore. I think this problem has already been there from long time ago, but it escalated much this past year. If previously I only don’t trust people who say good things about me or praising me up (because my parents said that those appraisal are all lies), now I cannot even trust motives, words, or actions. And I think I know the triggers.
My previous relationship with someone who said he’s into me but at the same time still wanting his exs and even other person. This one really hits me hard. It didn’t just escalate my trust issue problem, it triggered my depression. How could I? One says A, but do Z. The other time, one does Z but says A and then when confronted suddenly give B as a reason to justify both his ‘Z’ action and ‘A’ words? What am I to him? What kind of security I get from that relationship? It still bothers me until now.
Another trigger is my work environment where my colleagues said A then immediately changed into B without even acknowledging they said A before, also they said A but did exactly the opposite of it. It doesn’t happen just now, it also happened 3 years ago, when my boss made A as our goal but what he exactly meant was he wanted to reach that goal with his way, which is totally nonsense. And that’s happening now, in my current (secondary) work environment.
Due to those triggers, it’s very hard for me to trust. Words are just words, they mean nothing at all. It’s like garbage came out of someone’s mouth. Actions, well why does someone do that act? You can do B to a person and then cheat on that person later. You can act nice to someone just to get benefit from that person, or act nice to prevent that person from wanting more (when in fact you can give more). Why the hell should I trust that action as a prove of good intention? Motive, is it the truest? Are you forced to do it? Do you really want to do it or just to prevent a quarrel and deep inside you’re actually regretting it?
What the hell should I trust now? What can I hold on to now if neither words nor actions nor motives I can believe? Now, I even have to assess regularly of someone’s words or acts and questioning his/her motives. Perhaps, Gregory House, M.D., the tv series’ character, was right. Everybody lies. So, trust no one. That way one can be saved from broken heart or betrayal.